Thank goodness they have a boneless variety. A watermelon bone almost killed me once. pic.twitter.com/CVdIGYhuju
— Stacey Sordahl (@DrunkAtThePTA) July 14, 2015
When I get home from work and change from "work me" to "real me" I make the Transformer noise.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) January 3, 2014
There should be a law that all meteorologists have to start their weather segment with, "Now I'm totally guessing here…"
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 7, 2016
A magic 8 ball is a really awesome friend because you can ask it a question and then shake it until it gives you the right answer.
— Elizabeth is Ruined (@Elizasoul80) January 16, 2016
"Which type of wine do you like?" she asked.
"Not a really high pitched one" I replied.
"Not whine! Wine!" she said.
"Oh" I said
— God is tricksy again (@AdrianYoung10) January 20, 2016