Me: You're not going to believe this, but…
Wife: Did you really eat all the cookies again!?
Me: Ok, wow, maybe you will believe this…
— keith (@tchrquotes) September 22, 2016
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
"I never want to do that again."
— Zoe vs. the Universe (@zoevsuniverse) July 21, 2014
Put my symptoms into WebMD because I thought I might have Ebola, but the results came back "You ate a Big Mac."
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) October 1, 2014
It all started when I realized that we didn't call whiskers on rodents "mouse-taches"
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o'clock.
— JB 4 Realz (@JB4Realz) October 1, 2016
Me: Do you want anything from the store?
wife: No thanks
[cut to me reading ice cream flavors to her over the phone for 20 minutes]
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 21, 2016