I went on a .3 mile hike in the forest today! (Walked through a Christmas tree lot.)
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 24, 2017
My 3-year-old has been wearing her pants backwards all day.
I offered to turn them around.
She said no.
She's already living her best life.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 23, 2017
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) February 28, 2017
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) July 16, 2013
I Really Didn't Think I'd Need A Cart
~ A Costco Story ~
— The St. Louisan (@thestlouisan) November 23, 2017
One positive thing that has come out of this year is how reading the news now qualifies as cardio.
— Brohibition Now (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 22, 2017
The wind just tried to kill me by strangling me with my scarf. Don't call me dramatic.
— DivineMess (@divyne_mess) October 27, 2017
My niece is learning to count so i asked her “what comes after 4?” And she thought for a second and went “4… part 2”
— Juan F. Thegoodones (@pharmasean) November 24, 2017
Me: "Come on, what's the worst that could happen?"
My Brain: "Let's start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we'll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down"
— Myrrh (@ixix82) November 24, 2017
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) August 7, 2017
Maybe one day I'll stop writing important information on the back of junk mail envelopes (now missing), but that day was not yesterday.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) November 15, 2017
I put my 3-year-old’s socks on her feet in the wrong order and now everything is canceled because the world ended.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 15, 2017
I have never taken the right amount of napkins
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) November 18, 2017
Panic is my cardio.
— krismuscookie (@krismuscookie) October 30, 2016
KOHL'S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
— maison falling (@maisonshouting) September 14, 2017
3-year-old: This is my shirt.
Me: I know. You’re wearing it.
3: I didn’t steal it.
Now I’m suspicious.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 8, 2017
New parenting tip: Don't think you will get more sleep as your kids get older. Instead of waking up early, you're staying up late.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 11, 2017
Can I smoke in here?
Uhh ma'am this is a library
Can I smoke in here?
— Traci (@debon7) November 8, 2017
wE hAve YOuR dAuGHtER. SeND oNe mILliON dOLLarS in uNMaRkEd biLLs. ANd a pHoNE cHArGer sO ShE wILl sToP ASkiNg.
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) November 11, 2017
You don't realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) November 8, 2017
He escaped from the Home For The Criminally Insane Punctuators.
All he left behind was a note:
"Youll ne—ver? catch, Me:"
— AˢᵉᵉᵐSᵃˣᵉᶰᵃ (@RedNightHawkAKS) June 9, 2015
Math: 1 + 1 = 2
Common Core: Hold my beer.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) October 10, 2017
5-year-old: I want to drive a train.
Me: Good plan.
5: A party train.
Me: An even better plan.
5: With kittens.
Me: Take my money now.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 24, 2017
A huge rat has been spotted in the building. This wouldn't be unusual but it didn't have an employee badge.
— Saint Eric (@Mr_Micawber) November 3, 2017
3-year-old: *has a rug burn on her forehead*
Me: How did you get that?
I have no follow-up questions.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 25, 2017
ME: Picture Tom Hanks doing stuff.
EXEC: I can get this greenlit in the next twelve hours.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) October 25, 2017
You're working on your second master's degree? I have to whisper "Wed-nes-day" to myself when typing it out.
— 🕷Vampire Valerie🎃 (@ValeeGrrl) October 24, 2017
Never forget to look to the sky and dream the biggest of dreams.
Like right now I'm dreaming rain will cancel my kid's soccer practice.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 23, 2017
Whoever decided that the bathroom should be the smallest room in the house obviously wasn't a mother with children.
— TheMotherOctopus (@MotherOctopusKJ) October 25, 2017