My dad got Alexa for Christmas and I am currently able to google the answer to his questions three times before he can get Alexa to even understand what he's saying the first time.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) December 26, 2017

I like to whisper my questions to the Librarian so they can ask me to speak louder

— ChrisThatOtherChris™ (@OohSnapItsChris) December 4, 2016

I’m in that weird middle-ground of “thirsty… but not quite enough to go through the pain of getting up.”

— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) December 26, 2017

People who want "realistic" romance novels should really remember that a hero is much more likely to ruin a heroine's clothes by putting them in the dryer than by ripping them in a fit of passion.

— Elisabeth Lane (@elisabethjlane) December 25, 2017

Oh, you didn't make note all year of a loved one's fleeting mention of the gift they truly desired that would fill their heart with joy when they opened it and saw you really listened to them?

Pity

— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) December 25, 2017

When I asked my 4 year old grandson what he wanted for Christmas, he said Optimus Prime and something nice for his mommy, so I’m gonna buy him ALL the toys.

— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) December 6, 2017

The Three Wise men brought presents for the baby Jesus. Gold, Frankincense and the most valuable gift of all, Printer ink.

— Caught rest ye merry Jestermen (@brucedon5) December 13, 2017

2010
Get tree, put it up, put lights on, decorate. Done.

2017
Day One – Get tree.
Day Two – Buy lights and put them on.
Day Three – Decorate.
Day Four – Rest.

— Sarah del Rio (@sarahdelri0) December 13, 2017

Autocorrect changed Santa to Satan.

Weird. I didn’t know Satan had elves.

— Banana Butt (@naftrawetsynot) December 6, 2017

All I want for Christmas is peace on earth.

And a really big beach house.

— Felicia (@LostFelicia) December 13, 2017

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) December 9, 2017

Today started on a good note.

It was a G.

— Santa is Tricksy (@AdrianYoung10) December 13, 2017

No one warns you about the dangers of second hand perfume.

— Mary (@AnniemuMary) December 12, 2017

Dear Every App Ever,

I will NEVER give you access to my contacts.

— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) December 13, 2017

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

— The War On FitzMas (@UnFitz) December 13, 2017

[Fruit of the Loom HQ]

Interviewer: where's ur resume

Me: under there

I: under where….oh snap ur good

— Alien Candy Cane Skier (@ClichedOut) December 6, 2017

My wife and I are tackling a home improvement project together.

Just thought I'd give you a heads up.

This is my last post as a married man.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 26, 2017

Frosted Flakes are like Corn Flakes that taste good.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) December 6, 2017

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought "they don't do ANYTHING really" and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

— Melvin of York (@MelvinofYork) December 6, 2017

I went on a .3 mile hike in the forest today! (Walked through a Christmas tree lot.)

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 24, 2017

My 3-year-old has been wearing her pants backwards all day.

I offered to turn them around.

She said no.

She's already living her best life.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 23, 2017

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) February 28, 2017

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) July 16, 2013

I Really Didn't Think I'd Need A Cart
~ A Costco Story ~

— The St. Louisan (@thestlouisan) November 23, 2017

One positive thing that has come out of this year is how reading the news now qualifies as cardio.

— Brohibition Now (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 22, 2017

The wind just tried to kill me by strangling me with my scarf. Don't call me dramatic.

— DivineMess (@divyne_mess) October 27, 2017

My niece is learning to count so i asked her “what comes after 4?” And she thought for a second and went “4… part 2”

— Juan F. Thegoodones (@pharmasean) November 24, 2017

Me: "Come on, what's the worst that could happen?"
My Brain: "Let's start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we'll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down"

— Myrrh (@ixix82) November 24, 2017

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) August 7, 2017

Maybe one day I'll stop writing important information on the back of junk mail envelopes (now missing), but that day was not yesterday.

— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) November 15, 2017

I put my 3-year-old’s socks on her feet in the wrong order and now everything is canceled because the world ended.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 15, 2017

I have never taken the right amount of napkins

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) November 18, 2017

Panic is my cardio.

— krismuscookie (@krismuscookie) October 30, 2016

KOHL'S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

— maison falling (@maisonshouting) September 14, 2017

3-year-old: This is my shirt.

Me: I know. You’re wearing it.

3: I didn’t steal it.

Now I’m suspicious.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 8, 2017

New parenting tip: Don't think you will get more sleep as your kids get older. Instead of waking up early, you're staying up late.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 11, 2017

Can I smoke in here?
Uhh ma'am this is a library
Oh, sorry
*whispers*
Can I smoke in here?

— Traci (@debon7) November 8, 2017

wE hAve YOuR dAuGHtER. SeND oNe mILliON dOLLarS in uNMaRkEd biLLs. ANd a pHoNE cHArGer sO ShE wILl sToP ASkiNg.

— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) November 11, 2017

You don't realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

— Mave (@MavenofHonor) November 8, 2017

He escaped from the Home For The Criminally Insane Punctuators.
All he left behind was a note:
"Youll ne—ver? catch, Me:"

— AˢᵉᵉᵐSᵃˣᵉᶰᵃ (@RedNightHawkAKS) June 9, 2015

Math: 1 + 1 = 2

Common Core: Hold my beer.

— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) October 10, 2017

5-year-old: I want to drive a train.

Me: Good plan.

5: A party train.

Me: An even better plan.

5: With kittens.

Me: Take my money now.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 24, 2017

A huge rat has been spotted in the building. This wouldn't be unusual but it didn't have an employee badge.

— Saint Eric (@Mr_Micawber) November 3, 2017

"I wanna make Grandma Scott's dumplings."
"Recipe's there on the side of the box."
"Ha! Does Grandma know they're using her recipe?" #FP

— D. D. Kimberley (@DDKBooks) November 3, 2017

3-year-old: *has a rug burn on her forehead*

Me: How did you get that?

3: Dancing.

I have no follow-up questions.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 25, 2017

[pitch meeting]

ME: Picture Tom Hanks doing stuff.

EXEC: I can get this greenlit in the next twelve hours.

*handshakes*

— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) October 25, 2017

You're working on your second master's degree? I have to whisper "Wed-nes-day" to myself when typing it out.

— 🕷Vampire Valerie🎃 (@ValeeGrrl) October 24, 2017

Never forget to look to the sky and dream the biggest of dreams.

Like right now I'm dreaming rain will cancel my kid's soccer practice.

— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 23, 2017

Whoever decided that the bathroom should be the smallest room in the house obviously wasn't a mother with children.

— TheMotherOctopus (@MotherOctopusKJ) October 25, 2017