My dad got Alexa for Christmas and I am currently able to google the answer to his questions three times before he can get Alexa to even understand what he's saying the first time.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) December 26, 2017

I like to whisper my questions to the Librarian so they can ask me to speak louder

— ChrisThatOtherChris™ (@OohSnapItsChris) December 4, 2016

I’m in that weird middle-ground of “thirsty… but not quite enough to go through the pain of getting up.”

— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) December 26, 2017

People who want "realistic" romance novels should really remember that a hero is much more likely to ruin a heroine's clothes by putting them in the dryer than by ripping them in a fit of passion.

— Elisabeth Lane (@elisabethjlane) December 25, 2017

Oh, you didn't make note all year of a loved one's fleeting mention of the gift they truly desired that would fill their heart with joy when they opened it and saw you really listened to them?

Pity

— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) December 25, 2017

When I asked my 4 year old grandson what he wanted for Christmas, he said Optimus Prime and something nice for his mommy, so I’m gonna buy him ALL the toys.

— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) December 6, 2017

The Three Wise men brought presents for the baby Jesus. Gold, Frankincense and the most valuable gift of all, Printer ink.

— Caught rest ye merry Jestermen (@brucedon5) December 13, 2017

2010
Get tree, put it up, put lights on, decorate. Done.

2017
Day One – Get tree.
Day Two – Buy lights and put them on.
Day Three – Decorate.
Day Four – Rest.

— Sarah del Rio (@sarahdelri0) December 13, 2017

Autocorrect changed Santa to Satan.

Weird. I didn’t know Satan had elves.

— Banana Butt (@naftrawetsynot) December 6, 2017

All I want for Christmas is peace on earth.

And a really big beach house.

— Felicia (@LostFelicia) December 13, 2017

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) December 9, 2017

Today started on a good note.

It was a G.

— Santa is Tricksy (@AdrianYoung10) December 13, 2017

No one warns you about the dangers of second hand perfume.

— Mary (@AnniemuMary) December 12, 2017

Dear Every App Ever,

I will NEVER give you access to my contacts.

— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) December 13, 2017

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

— The War On FitzMas (@UnFitz) December 13, 2017

[Fruit of the Loom HQ]

Interviewer: where's ur resume

Me: under there

I: under where….oh snap ur good

— Alien Candy Cane Skier (@ClichedOut) December 6, 2017

My wife and I are tackling a home improvement project together.

Just thought I'd give you a heads up.

This is my last post as a married man.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 26, 2017

Frosted Flakes are like Corn Flakes that taste good.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) December 6, 2017

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought "they don't do ANYTHING really" and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

— Melvin of York (@MelvinofYork) December 6, 2017

I went on a .3 mile hike in the forest today! (Walked through a Christmas tree lot.)

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 24, 2017

My 3-year-old has been wearing her pants backwards all day.

I offered to turn them around.

She said no.

She's already living her best life.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 23, 2017

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) February 28, 2017

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) July 16, 2013

I Really Didn't Think I'd Need A Cart
~ A Costco Story ~

— The St. Louisan (@thestlouisan) November 23, 2017

One positive thing that has come out of this year is how reading the news now qualifies as cardio.

— Brohibition Now (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 22, 2017

The wind just tried to kill me by strangling me with my scarf. Don't call me dramatic.

— DivineMess (@divyne_mess) October 27, 2017

My niece is learning to count so i asked her “what comes after 4?” And she thought for a second and went “4… part 2”

— Juan F. Thegoodones (@pharmasean) November 24, 2017

Me: "Come on, what's the worst that could happen?"
My Brain: "Let's start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we'll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down"

— Myrrh (@ixix82) November 24, 2017

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) August 7, 2017