3-year-old: This is my shirt.
Me: I know. You’re wearing it.
3: I didn’t steal it.
Now I’m suspicious.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 8, 2017
New parenting tip: Don't think you will get more sleep as your kids get older. Instead of waking up early, you're staying up late.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 11, 2017
Can I smoke in here?
Uhh ma'am this is a library
Oh, sorry
*whispers*
Can I smoke in here?— Traci (@debon7) November 8, 2017
https://twitter.com/dumbbeezie/status/929465661104930816
You don't realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) November 8, 2017