Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she's in the Matrix*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 24, 2016
When one door closes, another one opens. And then closes. And then opens. It’s the fridge. It’s me in front of the fridge.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) December 22, 2015
Guy at the gym was singing "Hello" in the shower & I was like, "You suck & if you don't shut up you're going to have to get your own stall."
— Woody (@WoodyLuvsCoffee) January 28, 2016
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching the house for similar buttons.
— Michael Pearce (@exador86) January 30, 2016
Drinking ink won't kill you, you'll just dye a little inside.
— Paul (@bingowings14) January 10, 2016