The cashier told me to have a great weekend. I don't know how much more of this societal pressure I can take.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 5, 2016
Pretty sure my 9 month old is doing 5-Hour Energy shots behind my back.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 25, 2016
Me: Guess I'll go to bed.
Insomnia: Wait! I have cupcakes.
— KC of TX (@kcmoore51) February 24, 2016
How the hell did clams get so happy?
— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) February 27, 2016
I just read tigers sleep upwards of 21 hours a day. Everyone thinks they're so majestic. Even I can be majestic for three hours a day.
— Justin Guarini (@JustinGuarini) February 27, 2016