H: Hey, I know you!
Me: *humble smile* Yes, (chuckle) I tell a few jokes on the Internet.
H: You're my next door neighbor, right?
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) July 17, 2016
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can't go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 16, 2016
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that's a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 15, 2016
Me: This show looks good. We should tape it.
Kids: Tape it to what?
Me: I really can't stand young people anymore.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) July 20, 2016
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it's finished.
There's no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
— Princess Buttercup (@GoldenSpirals) July 2, 2016