The worst thing about being a person who doesn’t swear is having to call bull frog on someone.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) September 9, 2016
How long are you supposed to chase someone after your wallet gets stolen?
Because I'm tired of running and he's catching up….
— t(._.t)WaywardUncle™ (@TankCesar) June 29, 2016
a doctor walks into a bar, I follow him
he has a whiskey
the bartender asks me what I'll be having
"just what the doctor ordered"
— måt (@malt_skull) July 6, 2015
Me: You can't go outside dressed like that.
4-year-old: Why not?
Me: You're wearing a crown.
4: It goes with everything.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 10, 2016
Cashier: can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I was here earlier & I wanted to tell you I did have a great day just like you said.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) September 9, 2016