Drawing on Words

I think my kids are embarrassed when I wear my ascot to their parent teacher conferences, but they really match the color of my Crocs.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) October 3, 2016

[church]

Me: Father, it's been 37 years since my last confession.

Priest: I'll go grab some snacks.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 25, 2016

Wife: Will you take out the garbage?

Me: Well, my life, my love, and my lady, is the sea.

Wife: Got it. On your way out, grab the garbage

— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) October 20, 2016

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

— John Lyon (@JohnLyonTweets) January 25, 2014