I think my kids are embarrassed when I wear my ascot to their parent teacher conferences, but they really match the color of my Crocs.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) October 3, 2016
Me: Father, it's been 37 years since my last confession.
Priest: I'll go grab some snacks.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) August 25, 2016
Wife: Will you take out the garbage?
Me: Well, my life, my love, and my lady, is the sea.
Wife: Got it. On your way out, grab the garbage
— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) October 20, 2016
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
— John Lyon (@JohnLyonTweets) January 25, 2014
Maybe it won't be a Zombie Apocalypse. Maybe it would be just everybody out in public, looking at their phones and bumping into each other.
— Chico Suave (7-1) (@madeintexas214) July 3, 2014