WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
— phil mann (@philmann) April 28, 2015
I know 3 songs on the ukulele, I'm pretty much unstoppable now.
— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) November 21, 2016
I'm getting a full body tattoo of a better body.
— beth can't with this (@bourgeoisalien) November 21, 2016
My 6yo asked me to print him a math worksheet to do "for fun." I said I would but I'm actually researching local babies switched at birth.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 28, 2016
Wife: We need milk, eggs, and bread. Write it down.
Me: No need. I'll remember.
[an hour later]
Wife: What did you buy?
Me: A panda.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2016