Anything that can be discounted $300 was ridiculously overpriced to begin with.
— The Red Dwarf (@leftarmisme) February 15, 2017
Toddler: I want NOODLES
Me: Okay, but it'll take a sec to cook.
Toddler: ***descends into madness and sorrow***
— Zach Weinersmith (@ZachWeiner) February 15, 2017
We could have 17 bathrooms in our house and my kids would still want to get into the one I'm in.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 20, 2017
Contrary to what you might have heard, no one wants you to whistle while you work.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 21, 2017
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) July 8, 2015