I think I've watched too many real crime stories this evening. I want popcorn, but i don't want to go to the kitchen just in case…
— DuckfaceMcRubberlips (@kizletwiggle) March 12, 2017
SATAN: ur dead now. come w/ me. take this elevator to hell
ME: shoud be caled a hellevator
SATAN: (sighes) ur free to go. go. go to heaven
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) July 19, 2014
With all due respect, Folger's Coffee, at my age the best part of waking up is actually waking up.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) March 11, 2017
I saw a sheep give birth this weekend. All I could say was, "EWE!"
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 12, 2017
18: can I buy a bottle of wine?
USA: no that's illegal & irresponsible
18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education?
USA: we encourage it
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) November 29, 2016