My 22yo just added a cup of rice to 6 quarts of boiling water. You know, just like you cook pasta.
I can never die.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s)🎭 (@3sunzzz) April 6, 2017
Dear teacher- my son showed me the noisemaker you gave him for a prize.
— It'sReally10Months (@really10months) April 15, 2016
Why are greeting cards and novels the same price?
Maybe we should start giving people novels instead of these stupid cards.
— α geek (@alfageeek) July 16, 2016
My kid was so excited going to the bank to withdraw $15 from his account. Less so when they tried to sell him on a home refinance.
— Beauty & The Meh (@TheAlexNevil) April 5, 2017
I'm glad I bought a 50" screen, so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4" screen.
— Jeff (@usermcuserface) July 12, 2016