They all said I was crazy when I put my dog on the board of directors, but NOW…well, I'm still waiting for the vindication part actually.
— Michael (@MichaelTrying) May 9, 2017
7 (pointing at phone book on the street): What's that?
Me: A phone book
7: What's it for?
M: To prop up tables and keep doors from closing
— Own Your Meh (@TheAlexNevil) May 8, 2017
The Chariots of Fire theme plays as I sprint-walk to snatch the last office doughnut.
I wipe the sweat from my upper lip, victorious.
— MomofTeen (@MomofTeen) May 9, 2017
I always sleep with my phone on the nightstand next to me so that if anyone breaks into my house I can argue with strangers about politics
— jerm himsleftist (@JermHimselfish) April 19, 2017
Once a year, I like to shock my boss by showing up to work on time. Today is NOT that day.
— NeverSerious (@Curtisgwalker) May 9, 2017