[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
— Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) May 7, 2017
My resume just talks about that one time I successfully quit Twitter for 2 years.
— RoyalTramp (@theroyaltramp) July 28, 2017
WIFE: hey did you know you put the baby’s shirt on backwards ag— *notices that my shirt is also on backwards* — nevermind
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 29, 2017
Did you know that R2-D2 is speaking plain English in all the Star Wars movies? We only hear the beeps because he won't stop cussing.
— Jesper Schmidt (@SchmidtJesper) July 29, 2017
I still have all of my teeth, half of my hair, and don't need Viagra.
Your move, Old Age.
— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) July 29, 2017