Me: *calls wife at work*
Wife: This better be important.
Me: I found another plot hole on Star Trek.
Wife: *cancels all her meetings*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 10, 2017
Someone said I didn't look like I was 34 today, and I didn't listen to the rest in case they actually meant I looked older than that
— Andersongs 赤 (@soorploom) July 31, 2017
Not trying to brag, but this cop just asked me if I knew my rear end is smoking
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) August 19, 2017
ME [Puts up "Have u seen my dog?" posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You've lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He's awesome
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) January 11, 2017
Me waiting…. pic.twitter.com/U5W4kXfflp
— The Invisible Man (@invisibleman_17) August 19, 2017
Sweet picture was deleted. Here it is now:
