Drawing on Words

I never thought I'd have to tell my kids, "Don't use your little sister for bullfighting," yet here we are.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 3, 2017

I'm not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn't a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

— KruseKontrol (@RCKruseKontrol) September 4, 2017

You call someone a hardass, that's a criticism. Say they have a hard ass, that's a compliment.

Ass logic confuses me.

— Paul (@Grommit56) September 5, 2017

Me: Hey, do you want coffee?

Friend: Sure, I'll have a decaf skinny vanilla soy latte.

Me: So your answer is no, you do not want coffee.

— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) November 15, 2016