*Checking into hotel*
Receptionist. "Would you like a newspaper in the morning?"
Me. "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
— Bazza (@garrettbarry70) September 2, 2017
I never thought I'd have to tell my kids, "Don't use your little sister for bullfighting," yet here we are.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 3, 2017
I'm not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn't a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
— krusekontrol (@RCKruseKontrol) September 4, 2017
You call someone a hardass, that's a criticism. Say they have a hard ass, that's a compliment.
Ass logic confuses me.
— Paul (@PaulFrei) September 5, 2017
Me: Hey, do you want coffee?
Friend: Sure, I'll have a decaf skinny vanilla soy latte.
Me: So your answer is no, you do not want coffee.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) November 15, 2016