Me: Prince William and Kate are having another baby.
Me: Maybe we should, too.
Wife: Become a prince and we’ll talk.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 4, 2017
I love dinner. It's the 5th most important meal of the day.
— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) September 13, 2017
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 7, 2016
This morning, I dropped an amount of peppercorns that, a 100 years ago, would have gotten me beaten and/or placed in debt for a long time.
— Tinfoil Fedora (@crowguye) September 13, 2017
They say dress for the job you want. Not sure if a professional dog petter wears a tie or not.
— Dan (@Social_Mime) September 11, 2017