Drawing on Words

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds "plants"

— Drunk Dreamer (@ElgatoEsmio) July 9, 2015

4-year-old: Why do you go to work?

Me: They pay me a salary.

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2015

Asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently, that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) February 12, 2014

[makes a voodoo doll of himself]
[gives it a little back rub]

— Timmy™ (@TheTimmyToes) August 11, 2015