I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds "plants"
— Drunk Dreamer (@ElgatoEsmio) July 9, 2015
She dove into the clear waters and when she surfaced … there he was – just floating there. It was a classic tale of girl meets buoy.
— A Shot of Steve (@SteveKoehler22) September 10, 2015
4-year-old: Why do you go to work? Me: They pay me a salary. 4-year-old: Me: 4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2015
Asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently, that's not allowed if the baby is yours.
— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) February 12, 2014
[makes a voodoo doll of himself] [gives it a little back rub]
— Timmy™ (@TheTimmyToes) August 11, 2015