Sorry I'm late for work, my daughter had to change her socks 500 times until she found a pair that "didn't feel funny".
— Say it ain't so (@Shut_up_Marissa) December 9, 2015
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
— Smiling Sam 🙂 (@ISpiriTualist) December 18, 2015
I'm lazier than the guy that named the White House and oranges.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) December 15, 2015
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) August 29, 2015
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni YANKEE DOODLE'S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about u
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) October 3, 2015