My kids are ecstatic to look for Easter eggs for three hours, but they won't help me look for my car keys for even 30 seconds.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 22, 2016
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
— ME SO CORNY (@MESOOCORNYY) July 17, 2015
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don't remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 10, 2015
Went to my niece's elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
— Rickneedspizza (@rickolantern) June 1, 2014
Wife: What's making all that noise in the washing machine?
Me: *does a quick head count of the children*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 2, 2016