Today I have uttered the phrases "plungers are not toys" and "don't draw with the cheese" in case you were wondering what parenthood is like
— Goodnight Sanity (@GoodnightSanity) January 19, 2016
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn't in the napkin, and now I'm in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
— Rebecca (@cheeky__gal) October 27, 2015
For parents of a toddler a romantic night out is going to Target and slowly dimming the lights in the home decor section as we hold hands
— Mr. Hook™ (@Phook75) March 5, 2016
TSA: Sir, you can't bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
— BornHusky (@dlockw21) February 4, 2016
"I challenge you to a duel!"
"Very well. The weapon?"
"A capital choice."
"Thank you, I- oh! I see you've dueled before!"
— James Miller (@ASmallFiction) October 28, 2015