If a car alarm in a residential area goes off for more than 30 seconds you're allowed to set that car on fire.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 22, 2016
Her: So, I see your single, why?
— Comedic Bust (@ComedicBust) September 19, 2015
I wish they'd just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell "alright!".
— Matt Gallo (@mattgallo123) April 27, 2015
THERAPIST: what's your happiest memory
ME: i once thought my can of diet coke was empty but then i lifted it and it was still like half full
— Melican (@MelKassel) June 9, 2016
My 9 yo son told me it should be illegal for me to make him read or shower in the summer.
— CC (@Awesomemom10) June 25, 2016