"I can see you’re trying to relax. Can I interest you in a menu of unpleasant hypothetical situations that probably won't occur? – My brain
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 4, 2016
Me: I'll have a beer
Waiter: it's 10am
Me: I'll have a beer and some scrambled eggs
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) February 17, 2016
I just cleaned peanut butter off the ceiling in the kids' bathroom and now I've changed my mind about having kids.
— Linda Ann (@LindaInDisguise) March 19, 2016
Mister Rogers didn't adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) July 30, 2013
Turns out "bottomless chips & salsa" means they just keep refilling the basket & I'm not allowed back in this restaurant until I have pants.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 23, 2016
Drawing on Words 
Oh, these are sooo good. The first and last ones had me hooting.
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I think some don’t realize how much wonderful humor can be found on twitter. I sure enjoy those who look at the world in a different way.
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