Me: I jogged to work this morning.
Him: You work from home.
Me: Made record time. Such a feeling of accomplishment.
— Linda Ann (@LindaInDisguise) May 31, 2016
Failed Hallmark card:
I'm sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.
I thought you were going to take my taco.
— Laura Christine (@lcwf70) November 28, 2015
Listen, son, when a woman eats M&Ms at 8 AM while weeping over a YouTube loop of soldiers being reunited with dogs, that's PMS. Stay away.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) March 6, 2016
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) December 25, 2015
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) March 19, 2016