Thanks for telling me some of my tweets are a little out of line
But to be fair, I didn't actually askew
— Claire Burton (@urmumsausername) August 1, 2016
As you explain your opinion, I slowly pull the drawstrings on your hoodie until your face is completely covered, then leave without a word.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) July 19, 2015
Doctor: are you an active marijuana user?
Me: not really, I usually just sit on the couch and play video games
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) August 23, 2016
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
— June (@junejuly12) August 22, 2016
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
H: Oh, and it came with this 75" television.
— ÜRSÜLÄ(S) (@3sunzzz) August 21, 2016