SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster's in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
— Jordan (@jordan_stratton) August 27, 2016
Hi, I know we just met but I have this Groupon for 90% off a platinum eternity ring and I thought….
Wait, don't go.
— Just Linda (@LindaInDisguise) August 28, 2016
I've always wanted to create a new font so that I can say:"There's a new serif in town…"
— Beemerang (@ThisBikerBoy) August 28, 2016
Me: this corset is tight but I like how it cinches my waist & pushes up my boobs
Salesman: Ma'am, that's a sleeping bag
Me: I'll take it
— Marta Effing-Diggity (@MartaEffing) November 19, 2015
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
— Jessica Fox (@HelloJessicaFox) April 28, 2016