[hands you my shoes, but they don't fit so you can't walk in them, and now the metaphor is ruined]
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) September 1, 2016
I'm not run with scissors kinda crazy, but I will use one to safely remove a mattress tag…..cause gangsta yo!!
— đSpooky ChillGoređ (@Cravin4) September 6, 2016
I called my doctor's office to refill a prescription today, and they asked me if my birthdate was still the same; I need a new doctor.
— Spencer Robinson (@13spencer) September 7, 2016
Everyone is a genius until they try to use their friend's microwave.
— Mr. Drinks On Me (@Mr_DrinksOnMe) March 4, 2016
@ReeDwithaBee Q: what do you get when you put a new black t-shirt in with a bunch of white socks?
A: Fifty Shades of Grey Socks#socktitles— Maria Carvalho (@ImMCarvalho) September 7, 2016
Drawing on Words 