7yo: I need duct tape!
7yo: It's to make wrist things like Wonder Woman wears!
ME: We have two colors, hang on …
— Cory Putman Oakes (@CoryPutmanOakes) June 4, 2017
Made nachos and my kid asked "what are those weird chips that smell bad?" So now we're on the way to a DNA test to make sure he's mine.
— Jordan (@jordangerous) June 6, 2017
Every time I hold a baby, I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator. "That's 18-LIFE. I KNOW IT SMELLS GOOD. Stay with me."
— quince rogers nelson (@mandyapolis) April 10, 2015
If anyone in retail asks "Can I help you?" I respond "No one can." Then we both kind of stand there until one of us slowly shuffles away.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) June 7, 2017
*starts filling bathtub
*checks Twitter for a few minutes
— EricaTriesToTweet (@SteussieErica) May 7, 2016