*Goes on a date with someone I met on the internet*
Him: "This has been fun."
Me: "When can I meet the dog in your profile picture?"
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) July 7, 2017
My dog just tripped over his own four feet so no need for genetic testing I'm pretty sure he's mine.
— EricaTriesToTweet (@SteussieErica) July 8, 2017
I walked past a penny on the ground and didn't even slow down.
Then I went back and got it.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 9, 2017
Tempur-Pedic: Because comfort is more important than your 401k.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 8, 2017
Cashier: how would you like to pay?
Me: with my good looks if possible
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) July 5, 2017