Him: Stop overthinking
Me 3 days later: What did he mean by that?
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) September 1, 2017
Me: Who's my little girl?
3-year-old: Not me.
Me: Who are you?
3: A ballerina. And a shark.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 14, 2017
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 22, 2017
Accidentally dropped my wallet in the toilet today. Nice to find a more direct way to pay off my student loans.
— Teresa Sheffield (@Terfleaza) September 23, 2017
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) September 22, 2017