It's Day 3 of attempting to fold this fitted sheet. Morale is low. Provisions scarce. Strength fading. Slim chance of survival.
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) March 6, 2016
My wife took me to the best 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 26, 2015
"You're right, this is super hard. Do you wanna go get a milkshake or something?" –me as a personal trainer.
— Jenn CoCo (@jscrapsmua) March 22, 2016
I thought that I was a good person, but the way I react when people drive slowly in the left lane would suggest otherwise.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 18, 2016
I got my concealed carry permit, so now nobody can tell I'm carrying this permit.
— α geek (@alfageeek) March 21, 2016