Bacon flavoured breakfast cereal.

"Why not just eat bacon for breakfast?"

I like the texture of cardboardy flakes.

"Ah"

— God is Tricksy (@AdrianYoung10) July 11, 2017

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct

— FRO VO (@fro_vo) May 3, 2016

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

— Mave (@MavenofHonor) May 17, 2017

ME: I wasn't invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you're melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

— andrew (@AndrewChamings) December 6, 2016

*Goes on a date with someone I met on the internet*

Him: "This has been fun."

Me: "When can I meet the dog in your profile picture?"

— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) July 7, 2017

My dog just tripped over his own four feet so no need for genetic testing I'm pretty sure he's mine.

— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) July 8, 2017

Financial status:

I walked past a penny on the ground and didn't even slow down.

Then I went back and got it.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 9, 2017

Tempur-Pedic: Because comfort is more important than your 401k.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) July 8, 2017

Jamaica – Steak and Kidney £3.75.

Barbados – Chicken & Leek £3.60.

St Kitts and Nevis – Apple £2.30.

– Pie rates of the Caribbean.

— Stansaid Airport (@StansaidAirport) July 1, 2017

"All the corners dusted, the trash taken out. All I have to deal with is a pile of junk now."
"Your room?"
"What? No, my head."#SlapDashSat

— Tatjana Urbic (@tatjanaurbic) July 1, 2017

DOG 911: what's ur emer-

DOG: EXPLOSIONS, HUMANS SCREAMIN HAPPY 4TH OF JULY

DOG 911: why?

DOG: END OF THE WORLD??

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) July 4, 2016

Batman was summoned by the bat signal… if you ever need to summon me just hold a pie in front of a floor lamp and point it toward my house pic.twitter.com/Ur94DSbleU

— Swedish Canary (@SwedishCanary) June 27, 2017

Me: We need to clean the house.

7-year-old: Is someone coming over?

Me: We can clean for us.

7: But we know what it really looks like.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2017

I planted catnip in my yard. Two squirrels smelling like Patchouli just offered me brownies and called me "dude." I have my suspicions.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) June 6, 2017

Realtor: This is the master bedroom

Me: …and this is where the magic happens

Wife: No

Realtor: …

Me: Yep *pulls deck of cards out*

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) June 6, 2017

When I was younger I was playing softball and told my dad I was afraid to get hit. He responded with "it's ok, we have insurance" #dadquotes

— grace owens (@grace_owens11) June 14, 2017

@FallonTonight Dad always threatened "No Einsteins!" when we were naughty. We had no idea what Einsteins were but wanted it bad. #DadQuotes

— Sonshyne Shirley (@Sonshyneshirley) June 17, 2017

When I was older, my Dad admitted that he always threw the baseball right at my head. "You learned how to catch pretty quick!" #DadQuotes

— Craig Backus (@craigbackus) June 14, 2017

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong. – Charles Wadsworth #DadQuotes

— GetConnectDAD (@GetConnectDad) June 11, 2017