My 22yo just added a cup of rice to 6 quarts of boiling water. You know, just like you cook pasta.

I can never die.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) April 6, 2017

Why are greeting cards and novels the same price?

Maybe we should start giving people novels instead of these stupid cards.

— α geek (@alfageeek) July 16, 2016

My kid was so excited going to the bank to withdraw $15 from his account. Less so when they tried to sell him on a home refinance.

— John Carpenter’s The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) April 5, 2017

With all due respect, Folger's Coffee, at my age the best part of waking up is actually waking up.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 11, 2017

I saw a sheep give birth this weekend. All I could say was, "EWE!"

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 12, 2017

18: can I buy a bottle of wine?

USA: no that's illegal & irresponsible

18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education?

USA: we encourage it

— paperwash© (@PaperWash) November 29, 2016

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That's how delusions work.

— RaspberryheART (@Jenny4ashley) May 29, 2014

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that's on fire.

— Lord James Alvarez (@ObscureGent) April 29, 2016

*Staring into the car engine*
Me: maybe it's the alienator

— BREWSKER (@Brewsker) March 16, 2017

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) March 21, 2017

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

— Grant Tanaka: Honky (@GrantTanaka) April 2, 2015

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds I think my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 18, 2015

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I've had all day

— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) February 25, 2017

Before I had kids, I didn't know I could ruin someone's day by saying, "Get dressed, please."

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 7, 2017

4yo: Daddy, my tooth hurts
Me: Oh, ok, we'll have to go to the dentist
4yo: Wait, you know I think it's fine. I think it's healing…

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 25, 2014

*shows up willingly to intervention*

I thought you said drug and alcohol convention. My bad.

*slowly backs out of room*

— Ekim Drof (@mlkef) March 7, 2017

Wife: What do you want for dinner?
Me: I don't know. Steak? Chicken?
Wife: Let me rephrase. What kind of CEREAL do you want for dinner?

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 11, 2016

Anything that can be discounted $300 was ridiculously overpriced to begin with.

— The Evolving Arm (@leftarmisme) February 15, 2017

Toddler: I want NOODLES
Me: Okay, but it'll take a sec to cook.
Toddler: ***descends into madness and sorrow***

— Zach Weinersmith (@ZachWeiner) February 15, 2017

We could have 17 bathrooms in our house and my kids would still want to get into the one I'm in.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 20, 2017

Contrary to what you might have heard, no one wants you to whistle while you work.

No one.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 21, 2017

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

— Annie Hatfield (@AnneHatfieldVO) July 8, 2015

Elephants are one of the few species that can recognize their own reflection in the mirror, which is why they take forever to get ready.

— ΚατPeach (@unravelingfire) February 13, 2017

I criticize people on the red carpet a lot for someone who walked around with their shirt on backwards most of the day.

— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) February 13, 2017

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can't remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don't remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) February 15, 2017

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

— jonny sun (@jonnysun) February 16, 2017