Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That's how delusions work.

— RaspberryheART (@Jenny4ashley) May 29, 2014

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that's on fire.

— Lord James Alvarez (@ObscureGent) April 29, 2016

*Staring into the car engine*
Me: maybe it's the alienator

— BREWSKER (@Brewsker) March 16, 2017

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) March 21, 2017

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

— Grant Tanaka: Honky (@GrantTanaka) April 2, 2015

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds I think my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 18, 2015

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I've had all day

— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) February 25, 2017

Before I had kids, I didn't know I could ruin someone's day by saying, "Get dressed, please."

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 7, 2017

4yo: Daddy, my tooth hurts
Me: Oh, ok, we'll have to go to the dentist
4yo: Wait, you know I think it's fine. I think it's healing…

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 25, 2014

*shows up willingly to intervention*

I thought you said drug and alcohol convention. My bad.

*slowly backs out of room*

— Ekim Drof (@mlkef) March 7, 2017

Wife: What do you want for dinner?
Me: I don't know. Steak? Chicken?
Wife: Let me rephrase. What kind of CEREAL do you want for dinner?

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 11, 2016

Anything that can be discounted $300 was ridiculously overpriced to begin with.

— The Evolving Arm (@leftarmisme) February 15, 2017

Toddler: I want NOODLES
Me: Okay, but it'll take a sec to cook.
Toddler: ***descends into madness and sorrow***

— Zach Weinersmith (@ZachWeiner) February 15, 2017

We could have 17 bathrooms in our house and my kids would still want to get into the one I'm in.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 20, 2017

Contrary to what you might have heard, no one wants you to whistle while you work.

No one.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 21, 2017

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

— Annie Hatfield (@AnneHatfieldVO) July 8, 2015

Elephants are one of the few species that can recognize their own reflection in the mirror, which is why they take forever to get ready.

— ΚατPeach (@unravelingfire) February 13, 2017

I criticize people on the red carpet a lot for someone who walked around with their shirt on backwards most of the day.

— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) February 13, 2017

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can't remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don't remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) February 15, 2017

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

— jonny sun (@jonnysun) February 16, 2017

BANK TELLER: to open an account I'll need a first name
ME: Robin
BT: and a last?
ME: Dabanc
BT: so ur Robin Dabanc
Me: *slowly reveals gun*

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) December 29, 2016

[Interview room]
Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where's my present?!

— marf (@MarfSalvador) December 23, 2016

At least 20% of parenting is just peeling stickers off of things.

— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) January 24, 2017

The good news is my husband did all the laundry. The bad news is he discovered that I've just been buying new socks & undies for 6 months.

— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) January 16, 2017

Apparently it is my destiny to remember the lyrics of every song I've ever heard but forget why I walked into a room.

— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) May 23, 2015

Pharmacist: Are you Brian?

Me: I guess that depends what kind of medications this "Brian" gets.

— Badass O’Hoolihan (@bigmanlychin) November 15, 2016

I'm glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's really come in handy this parallelogram season

— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) March 23, 2015

Credit card company called asked if my card had been stolen because I made a purchase somewhere other than a bar

— andrew (@AndrewsNotFunny) January 3, 2017

Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger…Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don't like.

— Baby Swayze (@buhsbaby) March 26, 2015

I always carry a butterfly knife with me, in case I have to rumble with butterflies.

— Gran Master E. (@E_lok44) January 17, 2017

My fitness plan is being forgetful in a two-story house.

— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) January 7, 2017

Sick wife, who sucked down a dose of NyQuil 20 minutes ago, just mentioned I'm one of her top five husbands of all time.

So there's that.

— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) January 12, 2017

A Fitbit is just an ordinary bit who goes to Zumba classes.

— God is Tricksy (@AdrianYoung10) January 18, 2017

Does anyone want to come over for leftover Christmas ham every night for the next 2 or 3 months?

— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) January 7, 2017

me: baby, are you mad at me just because I got the wrong sandpaper grit?

her: it's fine

— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) January 5, 2017

I'm the reason the cashier hesitates a little before asking you how you're doing.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) January 5, 2017

Store Owner: Sorry, but we don't carry chicken feed. You want the place across the road.

*The Chicken stares deadpan into the camera

— John Carpenter’s The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) January 6, 2017