Call me crazy but "dropping the ball" does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) December 30, 2016

New Years Resolution: exercise (my right to eat) more (tacos)!!

— T R O Y (@TK150580) December 31, 2016

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

— John Carpenter’s The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) December 31, 2016

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

— eEric (@ericsshadow) March 25, 2016

I fell off a chair avoiding a bee, in case Cirque Soleil needs a stand in

— Midnight Cowboy 🇺🇸 (@cowboyjeffkent) December 2, 2016

I'm sure the neighbors think my family has a nightly torture ritual, but it's just the sound of my kids being asked to brush their teeth.

— Unfiltered Mama 💗✌️ (@UnfilteredMama) December 3, 2016

8 out of 10 people don't know how to reduce fractions.

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) December 7, 2016

3yo's Christmas list

Underpants
A red snowboard with steering wheel
A real dinosaur I can take to the moon
9 candy canes

Good luck Santa

— The 21st Century SAHM (@21stcenturysahm) November 20, 2016

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

— Karen D. Lioness (@DeadLioness) November 27, 2016

Me: Want grilled cheese?
Kids: No
Me: What do you want?
Kids: QUESADILLAS!
Me: You know that's basically a grill-
Wife: Stop. You can't win.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 29, 2016

My fashion statement for jogging is "no one's gonna kidnap the girl in the Bozo wig and water wings."

— Julia Gulia 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈 (@JRobb773) November 28, 2016

For someone who said "Correct me if I'm wrong…" you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

— jo (@whatsJo) November 29, 2015

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

— Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash (@mynameisntdave) August 17, 2016

I've never felt older than I do right now

Except for right now

Well, actually now

Also now

And now

— the pan-midwesterner (@panmidwest) November 15, 2016

Sorry we're late, my toddler spent 3 hours eating a cracker.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 19, 2016

To be safe I never go out with more than $10 in my bank account

— David DeWeil (@daviddeweil) November 7, 2016

I tried hiring someone to clean my filthy house, but it didn't work out. I could
hear her crying and praying, even through the hazmat suit.

— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) November 4, 2016

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I'll be buying a new house now.

— Böb Jänke: Hönkÿ (@Bob_Janke) November 7, 2016

Wife: We don't have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

— α geek (@alfageeek) November 14, 2015

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) November 11, 2016