It's Day 3 of attempting to fold this fitted sheet. Morale is low. Provisions scarce. Strength fading. Slim chance of survival.

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 6, 2016

My wife took me to the best 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 26, 2015

I thought that I was a good person, but the way I react when people drive slowly in the left lane would suggest otherwise.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 18, 2016

I got my concealed carry permit, so now nobody can tell I'm carrying this permit.

— α geek (@alfageeek) March 21, 2016

Today I have uttered the phrases "plungers are not toys" and "don't draw with the cheese" in case you were wondering what parenthood is like

— Goodnight Sanity (@GoodnightSanity) January 19, 2016

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn't in the napkin, and now I'm in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

— 尺乇乃乇ccﾑ (@cheeky__gal) October 27, 2015

TSA: Sir, you can't bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

— BornHusky (@dlockw21) February 4, 2016

"I challenge you to a duel!"

"Very well. The weapon?"

"Compliments."

"A capital choice."

"Thank you, I- oh! I see you've dueled before!"

— A Small Fiction (@ASmallFiction) October 28, 2015

[2050]
"Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?"

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

— Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) January 22, 2016

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

— Erren Michaels 🐇🌹🌱📚📖🐰 (@ErrenMichaels) July 7, 2014

Leaving a flyer on my windshield is probably the most annoying way for any person to litter.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 17, 2016

My kids are ecstatic to look for Easter eggs for three hours, but they won't help me look for my car keys for even 30 seconds.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 22, 2016

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don't remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 10, 2015

Went to my niece's elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.

— rick (@rickolantern) June 1, 2014

Wife: What's making all that noise in the washing machine?

Me: *does a quick head count of the children*

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 2, 2016

Thank goodness they have a boneless variety. A watermelon bone almost killed me once. pic.twitter.com/CVdIGYhuju

— Mrs. Sordahl Needs Coffee (@MrsSordie) July 14, 2015

There should be a law that all meteorologists have to start their weather segment with, "Now I'm totally guessing here…"

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 7, 2016

A magic 8 ball is a really awesome friend because you can ask it a question and then shake it until it gives you the right answer.

— elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) January 16, 2016

"Which type of wine do you like?" she asked.

"Not a really high pitched one" I replied.

"Not whine! Wine!" she said.

"Oh" I said

— God is Tricksy (@AdrianYoung10) January 20, 2016

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE'S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about u

— pat tobin (@tastefactory) October 3, 2015

"@LaniBeno: I don't have a messy house. I have a strategically laid obstacle course to foil burglars." @nadalada14

— Steve (@ScubaSteve1219) June 15, 2013

Everytime I call my dog he never answers I regret getting him that phone

— Mark (@NoticablyBacon) December 27, 2015

The coolest goats are probably escape goats, what with the flashlights tied to their horns.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) December 28, 2015

Sorry I'm late for work, my daughter had to change her socks 500 times until she found a pair that "didn't feel funny".

— Say it ain't so (@Shut_up_Marissa) December 9, 2015

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

— Sam🌻 #ProjectJOMO (@ISpiriTualist) December 18, 2015

I'm lazier than the guy that named the White House and oranges.

— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) December 15, 2015

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) August 29, 2015

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE'S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about u

— pat tobin (@tastefactory) October 3, 2015