For someone who said "Correct me if I'm wrong…" you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

— jo (@whatsJo) November 29, 2015

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

— Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash (@mynameisntdave) August 17, 2016

I've never felt older than I do right now

Except for right now

Well, actually now

Also now

And now

— the pan-midwesterner (@panmidwest) November 15, 2016

Sorry we're late, my toddler spent 3 hours eating a cracker.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 19, 2016

To be safe I never go out with more than $10 in my bank account

— David DeWeil (@daviddeweil) November 7, 2016

I tried hiring someone to clean my filthy house, but it didn't work out. I could
hear her crying and praying, even through the hazmat suit.

— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) November 4, 2016

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I'll be buying a new house now.

— Böb Jänke: Hönkÿ (@Bob_Janke) November 7, 2016

Wife: We don't have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

— α geek (@alfageeek) November 14, 2015

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) November 11, 2016