My best friend donated her organs.

To the one who gets her heart, you won the lottery.
To the one who gets her liver, well, good luck.

— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) March 21, 2016

"Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I've ever seen."
"Mam, that's a tire."
"Kids, get me a napkin."

— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) July 3, 2016

Me: I jogged to work this morning.

Him: You work from home.

Me: Made record time. Such a feeling of accomplishment.

— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) May 31, 2016

Failed Hallmark card:
I'm sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

— ʆαմɾα ɕհɾίςϯίηε 💕 (@lcwojo) November 28, 2015

Listen, son, when a woman eats M&Ms at 8 AM while weeping over a YouTube loop of soldiers being reunited with dogs, that's PMS. Stay away.

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) March 6, 2016

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

— bornmiserable.bsky.social (@bornmiserable) December 25, 2015

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) March 19, 2016

"I can see you’re trying to relax. Can I interest you in a menu of unpleasant hypothetical situations that probably won't occur? – My brain

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 4, 2016

I just cleaned peanut butter off the ceiling in the kids' bathroom and now I've changed my mind about having kids.

— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) March 19, 2016

Turns out "bottomless chips & salsa" means they just keep refilling the basket & I'm not allowed back in this restaurant until I have pants.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 23, 2016

I wouldn't need a job if only I had a good sponsor. Not the AA kind, more like the Nascar kind.

What say you, Red Lobster??

— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) March 3, 2016

If you've never dug through a kitchen garbage can for 20 minutes, looking for a beloved rubber band, then you've never been a parent.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 30, 2016

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

— Jason (@longwall26) March 14, 2014

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I'm looking at you.

— Island Girl (@_Water_Baby) December 16, 2015

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I'm against genetic engineering

Scientist: We've developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 16, 2016

They call cat people crazy but we're not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 16, 2016