If it wasn't for restless leg syndrome, I wouldn't get any exercise.

— Mac Dickson (@MacDicksonShow) January 29, 2016

What you say: It's almost your bedtime.

What the child hears: Take out every toy you own. Eat a cupcake. Spill a giant box of crayons.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 23, 2016

My 1 year old is able to stand and walk with her push walker, when is too soon to start mowing the lawn?

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 26, 2016

I could eat healthily if someone invented a chocolate salad bar.

— God is Tricksy (@AdrianYoung10) May 25, 2016

Adds gelatine to the sun to ensure it sets.

— God is Tricksy (@AdrianYoung10) May 23, 2016

Do the noises my knees make when I stand up count as doing crunches?

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 23, 2016

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

— Bees Wing (she/her) (@bees_wingz) September 8, 2014

Me: Goodnight.

Brain: Pssst.

Me: What?

Brain: What disease do you think we have?

— Inappropriate Charm (@LackOfShame) July 17, 2015

Try a new schnapps, Pops
Get a red wine, Swine
Drink another beer, Dear
Choose pale ale, Gail…

~ 50 Ways to Love Your Liver

— That Girl (@myonlymizztake) May 20, 2016

It's Day 3 of attempting to fold this fitted sheet. Morale is low. Provisions scarce. Strength fading. Slim chance of survival.

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 6, 2016

My wife took me to the best 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 26, 2015

I thought that I was a good person, but the way I react when people drive slowly in the left lane would suggest otherwise.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 18, 2016

I got my concealed carry permit, so now nobody can tell I'm carrying this permit.

— α geek (@alfageeek) March 21, 2016

Today I have uttered the phrases "plungers are not toys" and "don't draw with the cheese" in case you were wondering what parenthood is like

— Goodnight Sanity (@GoodnightSanity) January 19, 2016

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn't in the napkin, and now I'm in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

— 尺乇乃乇ccﾑ (@cheeky__gal) October 27, 2015

TSA: Sir, you can't bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

— BornHusky (@dlockw21) February 4, 2016

"I challenge you to a duel!"

"Very well. The weapon?"

"Compliments."

"A capital choice."

"Thank you, I- oh! I see you've dueled before!"

— A Small Fiction (@ASmallFiction) October 28, 2015