I accidentally said ‘pastryarchy’ instead of ‘patriarchy’ and now I have a vision for a better world.

— Lenny Firth (@lennyfirth22) October 20, 2017

I'm at my High School reunion and I am wondering where all these old people came from. 😳

— Kaye Steger (@utkaye) October 22, 2017

Dad: "Hey, you're all done?"
3: "Yeah"
Dad: "You finished cleaning up that huge mess of toys?"
3: "Yeah"
Dad: "… Are you lying?"
3: "Yeah"

— Myrrh (@ixix82) October 21, 2017

I spent all morning googling various projects I need to do around the house and now I'm tired

— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) October 14, 2017

My mother enthusiastically cheering for my son to get a touchdown will be the most memorable part of his game.

He plays soccer.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) October 13, 2017

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying "something amazing for my hair."

— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) October 14, 2017

Always fun to watch people trying to jam steamer trunks and entire credenzas into the overhead bin – to avoid the $25 bag fee.#ThanksDelta

— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) October 14, 2017

My daughter wants to play “guess this song” with her recorder. I am going to need every drop of whiskey in this house.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 14, 2017

Me: *pours bowl of Cheerios*

3-year-old: I don't like Cheerios.

Me: These aren't Cheerios. They're mini donuts.

3: *eats the whole bowl*

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 4, 2017

They should let everyone on hold with customer service talk to one another.

— John Mayer (@JohnMayer) October 4, 2017

Chicken nuggets aren't found in chicken mines.

Thought you should know.

— God is Tricksy (@AdrianYoung10) October 6, 2017

I wish horses knew that every person who drives by them says, "Oh look. Horses."

— The Dad (@thedad) March 10, 2017

5: I feel sick and my medicine is pumpkin spice.

Me: what?

5: I don't know. I heard a teacher say it and it seemed to work.

— Emme Reynolds (@TheEmmeReynolds) October 6, 2017

Too Hot When the Temperature's Above 74 Degrees, Too Cold When It's Below 73: A Memoir

— Anica Mrose Rissi 📚 (@anicarissi) September 29, 2017

My kid wants $20 to go through a corn maze with his friends, which is $20 more than I normally pay to walk through vegetables.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 29, 2017

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. For instance, if they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

— ДρøℂДℓУρ✞îℂ ฬ๏๓คภ (@W0nderW0manW0w) May 16, 2013

Me: Who's my little girl?

3-year-old: Not me.

Me: Who are you?

3: A ballerina. And a shark.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 14, 2017

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 22, 2017

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

— Northern Lights 🦖🐢🐸 (@PinkCamoTO) September 22, 2017

Me: Prince William and Kate are having another baby.

Wife: So?

Me: Maybe we should, too.

Wife: Become a prince and we’ll talk.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 4, 2017

I love dinner. It's the 5th most important meal of the day.

— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) September 13, 2017

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) February 7, 2016

They say dress for the job you want. Not sure if a professional dog petter wears a tie or not.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) September 11, 2017

I never thought I'd have to tell my kids, "Don't use your little sister for bullfighting," yet here we are.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 3, 2017

I'm not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn't a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

— KruseKontrol (@RCKruseKontrol) September 4, 2017

You call someone a hardass, that's a criticism. Say they have a hard ass, that's a compliment.

Ass logic confuses me.

— Paul (@Grommit56) September 5, 2017

Me: Hey, do you want coffee?

Friend: Sure, I'll have a decaf skinny vanilla soy latte.

Me: So your answer is no, you do not want coffee.

— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) November 15, 2016

Getting pushed in a swing is like being lazy and adventurous at the same time.

— dadpression (@Dadpression) September 2, 2017

My friend is a history teacher. She's compiling a list of great historical figures and she needs a male to add to the list. Suggestions?

— manwhohasitall (@manwhohasitall) September 1, 2017

Me:..and the bakery lady writes "Congrats" on top even though she knows the whole cake is for me
Therapist: How do you keep getting in here?

— Princess Peach (@GeorgiaSweet20) August 21, 2017

Me: There was an eclipse today.

7-year-old: So?

Me: It got dark.

7: It gets dark every day. It's called night.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 21, 2017

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you're interested.

— Jeff🍷 (@JeffSarcastic) September 20, 2016

Me: *calls wife at work*

Wife: This better be important.

Me: I found another plot hole on Star Trek.

Wife: *cancels all her meetings*

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 10, 2017

ME [Puts up "Have u seen my dog?" posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You've lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He's awesome

— Jon (@ArfMeasures) January 11, 2017