Marie Antoinette: Let them eat cake!
Me, a French Revolutionary peasant: *lowers sword* Cake? Hey guys, let's hear what the lady has to say.

— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) May 30, 2017

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 24, 2015

Me: while you're up there let's do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

— The Hooburrito, a burrito by Hoobastank (@sug_knight) February 27, 2017

Relationship status: putting on my third date dress to go by myself to see a movie starring my favorite actor.

— Julia Gulia 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈 (@JRobb773) June 2, 2017

[text]

2010: Can we have pizza for dinner tonight?

2013: Pizza 4 dinner 2nite?

2016: 🍕🌜?

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) May 21, 2017

Sorry I haven't been around much.

Been pretty tied up with our 8-yr-old's story about how yellow is her favorite.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 22, 2017

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

— 🆂🅲🅾🆃🆃 (@scot4bz) May 14, 2017

Describe yourself in three words:
1. Lazy

— Just Call Me Kitten 🐈 (@MakesYouGiggle) February 27, 2015

They all said I was crazy when I put my dog on the board of directors, but NOW…well, I'm still waiting for the vindication part actually.

— MichaelTrying (@MichaelTrying) May 9, 2017

7 (pointing at phone book on the street): What's that?
Me: A phone book
7: What's it for?
M: To prop up tables and keep doors from closing

— John Carpenter’s The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) May 8, 2017

I always sleep with my phone on the nightstand next to me so that if anyone breaks into my house I can argue with strangers about politics

— wendy’s kid (@JermHimselfish) April 19, 2017

4-year-old: Can I have some of your candy?

Wife: I got this for Mother's Day.

4: You're only a mom because of me.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 13, 2017

Tomorrow is Mother's Day!

Or as the GOP says…

"Pre-Existing" Condition Day.

— Tony Posnanski (@tonyposnanski) May 13, 2017

No WAY does 7 get another free ride this year: he makes Mother's Day breakfast on his own. And I had better not find kale in that omelette.

— John Carpenter’s The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) May 13, 2017

all I want for mother's day is for my kids to learn how to make Bloody Marys so they can serve them to me in bed.

and also breakfast tacos.

— tiff (@tiffanyaneal) May 13, 2017

"My lawyers are going to have a field trip with you!"
–why I'm not allowed to trash talk

— John Carpenter’s The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) April 28, 2017

WIFE: [waves]
ME: [waves back]
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: [waves]
ME: [waves back]
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: [taking headphones off my head] where are the kids?

— Guy Incognito (itinerant shitposter) (@ShutUpThatsWho) May 2, 2017

Several odd things about the restraining order:

1. No mention of distance
2. Forbids joke telling
3. Written in crayon
4. Signed by my kids

— MichaelTrying (@MichaelTrying) April 28, 2017

Talking my dad thru saving a Word file over the phone feels like an air traffic controller having to talk a passenger thru landing a plane.

— Margot 🦖 (@notmargot663) April 20, 2017

Me: Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies.

Minister: That's not really appropriate for wedding vows.

— Northern Lights 🦖🐢🐸 (@PinkCamoTO) March 13, 2017

January: I'm going to click the little flag next to this email so that I remember to deal with this later.
June: You have 978 flagged emails

— Margot 🦖 (@notmargot663) April 21, 2017

here are my thoughts on march for science:
its april, einsteins

— fucker-mode vrunt (@vrunt) April 22, 2017

I’m at a really bad place right now, deserted of people and in a state of bleak and dismal emptiness

Wait, I found my phone. It’s all good!

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) April 22, 2017

Someday I will sit on a couch that doesn't have crumbs all over it.

Today is not that day.

— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) April 10, 2017

"Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it's spring," I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.

— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) April 13, 2017

Sucks when the choice is "do I want to be informed" or "do I want to be happy".

— Tanya Duncan, Artist in Residence (@SpoolandThimble) April 13, 2017

My therapist says watching fish in an aquarium is a good way to quiet the mind but I can't relax when they are all hovering there judging me

— Melvin of York (@MelvinofYork) April 13, 2017

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don't remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 23, 2016

It's cool how my kid can find 87 pieces of plastic at this egg hunt in 10 minutes, but he can't find his shoes if they're sitting in his lap

— Salty Mermaid Entertainment (@saltymermaident) April 12, 2017

Me: Did you have fun at the Easter egg hunt?
7: No. The eggs were scattered everywhere.
Me: You know that's the point, right?

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 25, 2016

You wouldn't believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 12, 2017

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I'm starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) April 20, 2014

My 22yo just added a cup of rice to 6 quarts of boiling water. You know, just like you cook pasta.

I can never die.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) April 6, 2017

Why are greeting cards and novels the same price?

Maybe we should start giving people novels instead of these stupid cards.

— α geek (@alfageeek) July 16, 2016

My kid was so excited going to the bank to withdraw $15 from his account. Less so when they tried to sell him on a home refinance.

— John Carpenter’s The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) April 5, 2017