The tables will turn, daughter, and I'll spend my geriatric years living rent free in your house, refusing to go to bed. Watch.

— Burning Mom ⚡️ (@MomOnFire) July 30, 2017

I got on one knee before her, and slowly opened the jewelry box that was filled with tiny slices of ham.

Anyway, she wasn't the one.

— Avogadro’s House of Moles (@schumoo) July 29, 2017

5-year-old: I don't want to go to sleep.

Me: What else would you do all night?

5: Not sleep.

Solid plan.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 8, 2017

Me: Parents for $800
Alex: Answer "Fake a limp"
M: What is What happens when I ask my kid to do a chore?
A: That is correct!
Crowd goes wild

— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) August 9, 2017

Me: I've had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where's your car?

Me: Car?

— Phil (@geowizzacist) May 27, 2017

I forgot a towel when I took a shower so I had to use a bath mat to dry off and that's probably as close to being MacGyver as I'll ever get

— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) February 5, 2017

Doctor: "I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?"
Nurse: "B positive."
Doctor: "Okay. I don't think this patient is dying."

— ste(ph)en (@stephenjmolloy) June 27, 2015

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

— Olly iConic (@OllyiConic) May 7, 2017

WIFE: hey did you know you put the baby’s shirt on backwards ag— *notices that my shirt is also on backwards* — nevermind

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 29, 2017

Did you know that R2-D2 is speaking plain English in all the Star Wars movies? We only hear the beeps because he won't stop cussing.

— Jesper Schmidt 📚 Author. Worldbuilder. Educator. (@SchmidtJesper) July 29, 2017

I still have all of my teeth, half of my hair, and don't need Viagra.

Your move, Old Age.

— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) July 29, 2017

Quaint little cafe:

Server: Shall I leave the teabag in Sir?

Me: Best leave it in. I've tried it with the teabag out and I'm not a fan.

— God is Tricksy (@AdrianYoung10) July 22, 2017

At my eulogy:

So I was gonna talk about what a good person Aimee was, but I saw her browsing history and…um…we should all just leave.

— Aimee Helene (@AimeeHelene1) July 21, 2017

Reckless abandon because what other kind is there?

— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) July 21, 2017

Bacon flavoured breakfast cereal.

"Why not just eat bacon for breakfast?"

I like the texture of cardboardy flakes.

"Ah"

— God is Tricksy (@AdrianYoung10) July 11, 2017

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct

— FRO VO (@fro_vo) May 3, 2016

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

— Mave (@MavenofHonor) May 17, 2017

ME: I wasn't invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you're melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

— andrew (@AndrewChamings) December 6, 2016

*Goes on a date with someone I met on the internet*

Him: "This has been fun."

Me: "When can I meet the dog in your profile picture?"

— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) July 7, 2017

My dog just tripped over his own four feet so no need for genetic testing I'm pretty sure he's mine.

— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) July 8, 2017

Financial status:

I walked past a penny on the ground and didn't even slow down.

Then I went back and got it.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 9, 2017

Tempur-Pedic: Because comfort is more important than your 401k.

— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) July 8, 2017

Jamaica – Steak and Kidney £3.75.

Barbados – Chicken & Leek £3.60.

St Kitts and Nevis – Apple £2.30.

– Pie rates of the Caribbean.

— Stansaid Airport (@StansaidAirport) July 1, 2017

"All the corners dusted, the trash taken out. All I have to deal with is a pile of junk now."
"Your room?"
"What? No, my head."#SlapDashSat

— Tatjana Urbic (@tatjanaurbic) July 1, 2017

DOG 911: what's ur emer-

DOG: EXPLOSIONS, HUMANS SCREAMIN HAPPY 4TH OF JULY

DOG 911: why?

DOG: END OF THE WORLD??

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) July 4, 2016

Batman was summoned by the bat signal… if you ever need to summon me just hold a pie in front of a floor lamp and point it toward my house pic.twitter.com/Ur94DSbleU

— Swedish Canary (@SwedishCanary) June 27, 2017

Me: We need to clean the house.

7-year-old: Is someone coming over?

Me: We can clean for us.

7: But we know what it really looks like.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2017

I planted catnip in my yard. Two squirrels smelling like Patchouli just offered me brownies and called me "dude." I have my suspicions.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) June 6, 2017

Realtor: This is the master bedroom

Me: …and this is where the magic happens

Wife: No

Realtor: …

Me: Yep *pulls deck of cards out*

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) June 6, 2017

When I was younger I was playing softball and told my dad I was afraid to get hit. He responded with "it's ok, we have insurance" #dadquotes

— grace owens (@grace_owens11) June 14, 2017

@FallonTonight Dad always threatened "No Einsteins!" when we were naughty. We had no idea what Einsteins were but wanted it bad. #DadQuotes

— Sonshyne Shirley (@Sonshyneshirley) June 17, 2017

When I was older, my Dad admitted that he always threw the baseball right at my head. "You learned how to catch pretty quick!" #DadQuotes

— Craig Backus (@craigbackus) June 14, 2017

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong. – Charles Wadsworth #DadQuotes

— GetConnectDAD (@GetConnectDad) June 11, 2017