I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds "plants"

— Drunk Dreamer (@ElgatoEsmio) July 9, 2015

4-year-old: Why do you go to work?

Me: They pay me a salary.

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2015

Asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently, that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) February 12, 2014

[makes a voodoo doll of himself]
[gives it a little back rub]

— Timmy™ (@TheTimmyToes) August 11, 2015

My tattoo is 1/4 of the Chinese symbol for courage because it hurt so bad I started crying and told the guy to stop.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 12, 2015

My dog is so lazy she is barking at the UPS driver from the bed upstairs.

— Moxieblogger (@moxieblogger) August 12, 2015

How do you give up in a towel throwing contest?

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) June 16, 2015

I don't follow everyone back

I check out their TL
Read some tweets
See if they retweet
Stand outside of their home for days

Then I decide.

— Platinum2000 (@PLATINUM2000) September 8, 2015

It's hard to tell when goats are kidding.

— Gran Master E. (@E_lok44) September 7, 2015

Torn between buying the new iPad Pro with keyboard and pencil or a regular laptop and a helicopter.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 9, 2015

I'm at a rave!

Well, it's a party.

Okay, a small gathering of friends.

Fine. I'm watching Netflix with my cat.

And he won't sit with me.

— Sasshole (@RidiculousSheri) April 8, 2015

I used to tell jokes in front of all my stuffed animals.

They were a gracious audience… Except for the donkey, who was an ass.

— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) September 2, 2015

Interview tip-If asked "whats your greatest weakness?" reply "i was cursed by a gypsy to be so good at jobs that i can never find true love"

— mcc (@MattMcC1) September 3, 2015

[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don't have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don't make the rules Karen

— Ollie Garch (Not Sanctioned) (@ojedge) September 3, 2015

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

— Donna McCoy (@Donna_McCoy) April 22, 2015

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It's just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

— ceej (@ceejoyner) February 6, 2014

My son answers questions about his day like he's testifying in the Iran-Contra hearings.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) September 1, 2015

I've been relaxing today, laying on top of a hedge.

Resting on my laurels.

(not remotely sorry)

— God is Tricksy (@AdrianYoung10) September 2, 2015

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 1, 2015

12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year?

Me: What's wrong with the one we live in?

12yo: WHAT?!

Me: Goodnight, son.

— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) September 29, 2014

My 4yo said he could buckle his seatbelt without help this morning. We are still sitting in the driveway & it's starting to get dark.

— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) September 22, 2015

may not be "hip" or "with it" or "cool" or "trendy" or "current" or "faddy" or "all the rage" or "chic" but I do have access to a thesaurus.

— number one ploop man (@johnbiehl) January 20, 2015

Dog 911: what's ur emergency?

Dog: THEYRE PUSHIN THAT LOUD THING AROUND ON THE CARPET AGAIN

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) August 21, 2015