Sunday Comics

October 2, 2016September 29, 2016bobbibowwomanLeave a comment

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, "I'm GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!"

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 30, 2015

It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

— Andrew Heister (@andrew_heister) May 28, 2016

No, I will not attempt to debate. Your blissful ignorance is obviously too precious for me to try to persuade you there's another way. #FP

— Constant Paul ✝️🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 🇺🇸 (@CnstantPaul) September 2, 2016

If you love something, set it free. If it was a donut, that was a stupid thing to do.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 5, 2016

My life is exactly like Sleeping Beauty, except I'm only medium cute and I never get to kiss any princes. Basically I just really like naps.

— Sasshole (@RidiculousSheri) October 17, 2014

Sunday Comics

September 25, 2016August 29, 2016bobbibowwomanLeave a comment

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster's in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

— jordan (@jordan_stratton) August 27, 2016

Hi, I know we just met but I have this Groupon for 90% off a platinum eternity ring and I thought….

Wait, don't go.

— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) August 28, 2016

https://twitter.com/ThisBikerBoy/status/769788415982329856

https://twitter.com/MartaEffing/status/667137041168142336

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

— Jessica Fox (@HelloJessicaFox) April 28, 2016

Sunday Comics

September 18, 2016August 29, 2016bobbibowwomanLeave a comment

I choose to express my rage at the socio-academic corporate hierarchy with interpretive dance #BetterHomeworkExcuse pic.twitter.com/ajJ4rwSoiV

— Gary V. Foss (@garyvfoss) August 23, 2016

https://twitter.com/DaddyJew/status/763596602535665664

"This, THIS, is why we can't have nice things!"
*gestures wildly to the entire human race*

— Myrrh (@ixix82) July 7, 2016

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How 'bout them Red Sox?

— C’est La Vie (@Robert_Beau) July 18, 2013

https://twitter.com/kateemick/status/768249146679582720

Sunday Comics

September 4, 2016August 23, 2016bobbibowwomanLeave a comment

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

— Claire Behind The Hair (@urmumsausername) May 2, 2016

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

— Very Brexit Problems (@VeryBrexitProbs) May 7, 2015

Women mow the lawn like they're vacuuming.

Men vacuum like they're mowing the lawn.

— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) August 21, 2016

https://twitter.com/sock_holliday/status/767865560742985731

Sometimes I wonder if the spambots on Instagram actually think I'm gorgeous and then I wonder if that will help me during their robot reign.

— theunderfold.com (@TheUnderfold) August 23, 2016

Sunday Comics

August 28, 2016August 23, 2016bobbibowwomanLeave a comment

H: Hey, I know you!

Me: *humble smile* Yes, (chuckle) I tell a few jokes on the Internet.

H: You're my next door neighbor, right?

— Burning Mom ⚡️ (@MomOnFire) July 17, 2016

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can't go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 16, 2016

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that's a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 15, 2016

Me: This show looks good. We should tape it.

Kids: Tape it to what?

Me: I really can't stand young people anymore.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 20, 2016

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it's finished.

There's no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

— Princess Buttercup (@GoldenSpirals) July 2, 2016

Sunday Comics

August 21, 2016July 30, 2016bobbibowwoman2 Comments

My best friend donated her organs.

To the one who gets her heart, you won the lottery.
To the one who gets her liver, well, good luck.

— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) March 21, 2016

https://twitter.com/jacob_swift16/status/755478393270009856

https://twitter.com/Eden_Eats/status/756361958027169793

"Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I've ever seen."
"Mam, that's a tire."
"Kids, get me a napkin."

— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) July 3, 2016

https://twitter.com/Vodkantots/status/751981199371808768

Sunday Comics

August 14, 2016July 30, 2016bobbibowwoman2 Comments

Me: I jogged to work this morning.

Him: You work from home.

Me: Made record time. Such a feeling of accomplishment.

— 〰 Just Linda 〰 (@LindaInDisguise) May 31, 2016

Failed Hallmark card:
I'm sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

— ʆαմɾα ɕհɾίςϯίηε 💕 (@lcwojo) November 28, 2015

Listen, son, when a woman eats M&Ms at 8 AM while weeping over a YouTube loop of soldiers being reunited with dogs, that's PMS. Stay away.

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) March 6, 2016

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

— bornmiserable.bsky.social (@bornmiserable) December 25, 2015

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) March 19, 2016